Si . . . Moider
by Masmune Forge
Summary: The Samurai Pizza Cats encounter a powerful new enemy: a Mexican assassin known as Si, Moider.


Si, Moider   
by   
Judah Trent   


_Note: This Fanfic was written live in front of a mentally conjured audience. You know, like one of those sitcom audiences._

Narrator: Its an average day in Little Tokyo. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the Pizza 

Cats are delivering pizza. The Big Cheese has regained his sanity and is plotting to attack the city. 

Yeah, it's a . . WHAT?! The Big Cheese regained his sanity? When did this happen? 

Writer: Last episode (fanfiction episode) [Studio audience laughs] 

Narrator: Oh, okay. Anyway, let's look in on his strategy session. 

B.C: *chuckling evilly* I will have revenge on the city which made me go insane for a year. The 

entire city will suffer the insanity that they drove me to, but worse: I will make them "Emperor Fred" 

insane. *laughs again* Jerry Atrick, how comes the robot? 

J.A: *reading instruction manual to himself* Attach Stem C into drive A, glue with polymer B . . *to 

Cheese* Oh yeah, it's coming along well. *To himself* Ya jerk. 

Narrator: But what could this redolent rodent robot render to accomplish his revenge? 

B.C: I'll tell ya. First, while the De-sanitizer is being built, I'll send an assassin to keep the cats 

busy and as soon as they hit their victory, the De-sanitizer will steal their sanity, leaving the city 

defenseless against my remaining troops. *laughs* Damn, I'm good. 

Narrator: *under his breath* The hell you say. *Out loud* Let's check in our calzone baking 

buddies, the Samurai Pizza Cats. 

Customer: I would like a . .um. . I will have one of your . .hmm . . I want a. . 

Polly: Make up your mind! 

Customer: Okay, I need a . . . 

Customer 2: Come on, come on, while we're young! 

Customer: #1: I want a . . menu. 

Polly: Next customer! (The customer hangs his head and walks out of the line sadly) 

Narrator: And in the back room . . 

Speedy: (slaps down cards) Four aces! 

Guido: Man . . I don't have any more money left! 

Lucille and Francine: You know what that means! STRIP! [Audience Cheers] 

Guido: I don't know why I play with you crazy people . (He takes off his shirt and flexes) [All 

female audience members hoot and holler] 

Francine: Its 'cause we like seeing your buff body. (Smacks Guido's stomach and giggles) 

Guido: I know its rock hard and all, but can't you girls watch ESPN or something? 

Francine: *feigning surprise* What, you want me to watch buff guys who have millions of dollars 

and need girlfriends? Okay. 

Guido: Very funny. My deal. Okay, the game is five-card draw, ladies and deuces are wild. 

And Speedy, can you turn on the heat? It's cold in here! (Deals cards) Okay, what'll it be? 

Speedy: I fold. 

Guido: Fran? 

Francine: I fold. 

Guido: Lucille? 

Lucille: Two cards. (Guido gives her two cards) 

Guido: Dealer holds. Whatcha got? 

Lucille: Four of a kind. 

Guido: Gee, I only have a five . . of a kind! 

Lucille: But I don't have any money, period! 

Speedy and Guido: You know what that means! STRIP! [Male audience hoots and hollers] 

Lucille: You're crazy! 

Guido: Hey, I had to do it! Unless you got the cash, you ain't gotta choice. 

Speedy: Yeah, shake it baby! 

Lucille: Okay. (reaches up for her shirt button, and stops) Ha! Psych! (Puts the money on the 

table) Just joshing ya! Ha-ha! 

Speedy: That's not funny. 

Polly: *enraged* What is going here! 

Speedy: Oh, hiya, Polly! You want to get in? 

Polly: This isn't a break period. You three get back to work! I can't believe you were all back 

here playing cards, and you didn't even invite me! 

Speedy: But Polly . . 

Polly: Don't "But Polly" me! I could have put a closed sign in the window! You know you should 

have asked me if I wanted to play! 

Guido: Now, calm down Polly. . 

Polly: Who's not calm?! (Punches Guido in the head) 

Speedy: Now, just wait a minute . . 

Polly: Shut up, runt! (Backhands Speedy into a wall, then points at Francine and Lucille) You 

two get back to work! 

Francine and Lucille: Ma'am, yes, ma'am! 

Polly: That's more like it! [Studio audience laughs] 

Narrator: Well, everything's normal there. Oh, yeah. I would like to take this opportunity to 

introduce my niece. 

Niece: HI! 

Narrator: My brother is trying to push her into a career in narrating, so she's with me today to 

learn a few of the ropes. So, she'll be narrating the fight scene. Just an announcement. Oh, and 

here's the Big Cheese. 

B.C: Is the robot finished, Jerry? 

Jerry: Yes, sir. 

B.C: Now I can call my good friend C. Moider, the assassin. 

Jerry: Don't you mean C. Mur -- 

B.C: Silence, man! We do NOT want to get sued! [Studio Audience Laughs] And besides, 

C. is his first initial. He is also known as Si, Moider. 

Jerry: Boss, isn't that what you just said? 

B.C: I mean si, as in Spanish for "yes". They call him that because when he kills people, he waits 

until they ask who he is and what are they doing. That's his response. 

Jerry: *sarcastically* Oh that makes perfect sense. 

B.C: Shut up, Jerry. [Studio Audience laughs] (Dials on telphone) 

Carlos: *Spanish accent* I don't wanna change my long distance carrier! 

B.C: Wait, Carlos! It's -- 

Carlos: The Big Cheese. 

B.C: How'd ya know? Telepathy? Magic? 

Carlos: No, you rodential sufferer of dementia! Through the power of . . *echoey voice* caller 

ID!! 

B.C: Oh. [Studio audience laughs] The job I hired you for is about to commence. Come to Little 

Tokyo immediately and raise a little Cain. 

Carlos: I'm on my way. (Hangs up) 

Narrator: Will the Big Cheese's scheme work? Will Carlos make short work of the Pizza Cats? 

Will-- 

Niece: Uncle, who are you asking the questions to? 

Narrator: The readers. Will-- 

Niece: But they're not answering. [Studio Audience Laughs] 

Narrator: Its a rhetorical question. 

Niece: What does that mean? 

Narrator: *exasperated* It means they're not supposed to answer it. 

Niece: Boy, that's stupid. [Studio Audience Laughs] 

Narrator: Yeah, well. Pick a number, 1-5. 

Niece: 3. 

Narrator: Let's see what Polly is doing. 

Polly: Whadda ya think?! I'm at work!! I'm working! 

Narrator: *sarcastically* Well, ssssoooorrrryyyy!! 

Writer: Hey, Narrator! If you don't stop annoying the actors, you're outta here! If I hear so 

much as one more complaint, you're fired! Got that? 

Narrator: Yes, sir. 

Polly: Yeah, listen to the boss. You're getting on my nerves, so I think I'll . . 

Narrator: *quickly* Did I mention you look just lovely today, Polly? 

Polly: That's a good little syncophant. 

Narrator: I'll be speaking to my agent about this. 

(Phone rings) 

Francine: Samurai Pizza Cats. Pizza's our middle name. (Mumbling man on other line) You got 

it; get out the cash, we'll be there in a flash. Guido, we need a special delivery. Guido! Guido, 

put your shirt back on, we need a special delivery! 

Guido: Just what I need, a rocket ride out of a mis-aimed cannon. 

Francine: Just because of your whiny talkin', on this delivery you're gonna be you're walkin'! 

Guido: (on knees and begging) No, please, no! I can't walk, it's too much work! Please?? I 

won't complain about another launch again! 

Francine: *sweetly*Oh, well, your offer changes . . . *angrily* NOTHING!! Now, get going!! 

Guido: No! Please, launch me!! (Falls to his face and grabs her knees) Please? Please? 

Please? Please? Please, Francy? With sugar on it? 

Francine: NO! (Grabs his tail and throws him out the door) You have thirty minutes! And just 

to show you I'm serious, you have 20 minutes! 

Guido: I'll walk if I feel like it. (Looks around, sees a crowd of people staring at him strangely) 

You're just lucky I feel like walking today. [Studio Audience Laughs] *Thinking* Why is there 

always crowd around when you don't need one? (He turns on his air-skates and begins cruising 

down the street) 

Narrator: But little does Guido know that he's grown an extra shadow. 

Carlos: *thinking* Boy, this is an easy job. Track down and kill three little cats who deliver 

pizza, while creating general havoc and mayhem. (Looks at Guido) This one doesn't look like 

much. And, according to Cheese, he's supposed to be their strongest fighter. I think I'll just get 

a reading on him with this Z-scanner. (Turns on Z-scanner and presses a button on the side.) 

Hmm . . 1000. *out loud* I may have some fun after all. 

Narrator: And back at the pizza parlor. 

Polly: Hey, Francine, where's Guido? 

Francine: Oh, he's off on a delivery. 

Polly: But I didn't hear the cannon go off, or even a rhyme. 

Francine: He complained about my aim, so I made him walk. 

Polly: *sarcastically* The nerve of him, insulting your non-existent aim. 

Francine: *mad* My WHAT?! That's it! You're walking your next five deliveries!: Did I say 

"non-existent"? I meant your excellent aim. 

Francine: That's more like it! 

Narrator: *singsong* Polly's all in check. 

Polly: Mr. Trent . . {Writer's Note: That's me!} 

Narrator: I mean, Polly is in complete control of her own situation. 

Polly and Francine: *sing-song* Narrator's all in check. 

Niece: What do they mean, Uncle? 

Narrator: They're trying to say that I do whatever they tell me to do. 

Niece: But, you do. 

Narrator: *sadly* Them's the breaks. *normal voice* Anyway, let's see what the others are 

doing. 

Speedy: Its about time I got in this episode! 

Narrator: Never mind that. What'cha doin'? 

Speedy: I'm not really doing anything. So, how you doing? 

Narrator: Well, actually, I'm -- 

Speedy: Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you the impression that I actually wanted to know. 

Narrator: You little -- 

Niece: Now, uncle. Don't yell at Speedy. He's a brilliant person and an even better actor. 

Narrator: Why did you just say that? 

Niece: His agent just paid me a hundred bucks to. 

Narrator: Makes sense. 

Polly: *offscreen* Speedy, delivery! And don't talk about Fran's aim! She's a little touchy 

today! 

Francine: *off-screen* I heard that! 

Narrator: Let's go talk to Lucille. 

Lucille: Wow, am I on? 

Narrator: Yes. What are you doing? 

Lucille: I'm just writing up our new menus. 

Narrator: Now, why can't the other actors be this nice? 

Lucille: I dont know. Why? 

Narrator: Because they're jerk-heads. 

Lucille: Makes sense. Excuse me, Narrator? Do you know where Guido is? 

Narrator: He's out delivering a pizza. Why? 

Lucille: He's got my special calligraphy pen. 

Narrator: If I see him, I'll tell him. In fact why don't we find Guido right now. 

Guido: (humming) 

Narrator: Guido! 

Guido: *scared* Who's there? 

Narrator: It's just me, you wimp. [Studio audience laughs] 

Guido: Who you calling a wimp? Why don't you have someone you can't pop out of nowhere 

and call out your name. Anyway, what do you want? I'm in the middle of a delivery here. 

Narrator: Two things: First, Lucille wants her calligraphy pen back; and a major story 

development is about to occur with you. 

Carlos: Greetings. (Teleports in front of Guido) 

Guido: Yipe! (Tenses into a fighting stance) Who are ya and whadda ya want? 

Carlos: I'm an assassin and my boss is a very big anti-fan of yours. He wants you and your 

friends dead. 

Guido: You mean you're hear to . . (slashes throat with finger) 

Carlos: Si, moider. [Studio audience goes ooh tauntingly] 

Guido: You can tell your boss that'll take a lot more than some Zorro reject to kill the Samurai 

Pizza Cats. 

Carlos: *fuming* Zorro reject? ZORRO REJECT?! You're gonna have to pay me some extra 

pain tax for that insult, boy. 

Guido: *mockingly* Oh, I'm really scared. 

Carlos: As well you should. Your power level is a mere 1000, while mine is a good deal higher 

than that. I'm a lot stronger than all you three of you cats put together. 

Guido: *thinking* He doesn't know that Francine and Lucille fight with us now. I wonder why? 

*out loud* Skum was the last person to say that, and now he's nothing more than an algorithm 

trapped inside of a CD. 

Carlos: Except, he was stupid and didn't have plans like I have. But, in the interest of fun, I'm 

gonna let you go back to your friends and tell them that I'm gonna kill you. Meet me at Kurin 

Plain in five hours if you wanna try and stop me. If you're not there in exactly five hours, I'm 

gonna do this to the city. (Carlos points a palm at a nearby office building) Palm Wave. (Energy 

flashes instantly from Carlos' palm and destroys the building) *maniacal laughter* Imagine that 

glorious destruction on a city wide scale. People, buildings, *chuckle* Pizza Parlors. Gone 

(snaps fingers) just like that. Gives you something to look forward to, doesn't it? (Teleports 

away) 

Guido: This is serious. A crazy nut like that is dangerous. His flipmode force is delirious. 

Narrator: Later, back at the Pizza Parlor, a concerned Guido tells the others about the threat. 

Guido: . .So there you have it. We need a plan of attack. 

Lucille: Let's just all land there and beat him down. 

Guido: No. He's too strong. He could just kill us while we approach. Our best bet is to do a 

standard launch: just me, Speedy, and Polly. 

Lucille: No fair! I wanna fight too. 

Francine: So do I! And if you don't let me, I'm gonna cry! 

Guido: I don't think he knows that you two fight yet, so we should save you for a dire time, like 

when he beats us into the ground with a single blow. 

Lucille: *trying to sound logical* I agree. So, you'll be the shock troops and we'll be heavy 

back-up. (Everyone looks at her weird) Sorry, I just ordered the entire video history of World 

War II. 

Speedy: Anyway, let's go get him. We already wasted about two hours just talking. 

Everyone else: Yeah! 

(Launch Sequence) 

Francine: *over P.A.* This is serious. Our whole entire unit is dangerous. Too much of us 

causes villains to get delirious, so now gonna show 'em we dangerous! 

Lucille: I hope they get there okay. 

Francine: Was that an insult about my aim? 

Lucille: And what if it was? 

Francine: Oh, you're in trouble now! (Pounces at Lucille and tackles her) 

Lucille: I'll show you who's in trouble! (Starts swinging) 

Narrator: Girls, girls, GIRLS! Your friends are about to fight a dangerous villain, and you're 

qaurrelling with each other? 

Both: Yes!! Now, shut up and stay out of this! (Continue fighting) 

Narrator: FINE! Anyway, our heroes discuss strategy as they fly on to meet a powerful foe. 

Speedy: You know what's great there? It's the freshwater bass. They do it blackened or 

satueed, its real great. 

Guido: Do they have tiger shrimp? 

Speedy: Oh, yeah, with butter, garlic, and pepper and your choice of french fries, baked or 

mashed potatoes. 

Polly: Do you two mind? We're on our way to a battle and you're talkin' about food! 

Speedy: Right. So, Guido, how should we attack him? 

Guido: We should attack in shifts. That'll keep him from getting used to our attacks, and it'll keep 

us from getting too tired. 

Polly: Sounds good. Here we are. (They begin to descend, slowly at first, and then the speed up 

to dangerous velocities) Remind me to get a computer aided targeting program for Francine, 

okay? 

Speedy and Guido: Check. (All three slam into the ground) 

Carlos: Welcome, Pizza Kittens. 

Guido: Who you calling a kitten?! 

Carlos: You. 

Guido: Oh. [Studio Audience laughs] 

Speedy: All right chump, we're here to stop your diabolical plot to attack Little Tokyo. 

Polly: That's right! We're gonna stop you cold. 

Carlos: (looking at Polly) Now that's a fine woman!! I know you want this, girl, so I'll let you live 

so I can get the hook-up with you. 

Polly: Get away from me, you lecherous, larcenous freak! I already have a man! 

(Pushes Speedy forward) You're supposed to be defending me, Speedy! 

Speedy: You were doing an good job of that yourself. 

Carlos: Not a problem. I'll just kill him and take you. 

Guido: This isn't the "Supervillian Dating Service". We're here to thwart your scheme. 

Carlos: Okey-dokey. (Rushes forward and knees Speedy in the stomach, causing Speedy to 

double over) *chuckles* (hits Speedy over the back with a double-fisted hammer. Speedy falls 

to the ground) Boy, you're weak. Pillar! (Creates energy orb which gathers in his hand and hits 

Speedy with it. When it hits Speedy it 

explodes vertically, creating a pillar energy which lifts Speedy off the ground and he begins to 

speed into the stratosphere) 

Polly: *concerned* Speedy!! *to Carlos* Die! (Leaps at Carlos with her sword drawn) 

Carlos: No. (Raises a hand and hits Polly with a small energy wave, which knocks her 

backwards) 

Guido: Then try somma this! (Flings three shurikens at Carlos) 

Carlos: Come on, people! You suck! (Dodges the shurikens by sidestepping and teleports right 

in front of Guido) Now, this is how its done. (Carlos hits Guido with a cyclone kick, which 

causes Guido to spin to the ground) 

Polly: All righty, then! Try this! (Begins Heartslash) 

Carlos: Interesting. 

Polly: See how interesting this feels! (Releases Heartslash) 

Carlos: Meh. (The Heartslash collides with Carlos and his form is lost in the explosion) 

Polly: All right! See, Guido? That wasn't so bad. (Carlos' form emerges out of the smoke) 

What?! It can't be! 

Carlos: Like I said, interesting. (Raises hand and captures Polly in an energy field) However, if 

you continue to resist me in such a manner, I'm going to have to put you back in your place. 

(Brings Polly close and kisses her) *evil grin* For luck. (Throws Polly down to the ground) 

Guido: Nobody does that to my friends and gets away with it. (Begins to charge up an Arrow of 

Passion) 

Carlos: And just what are you going to do about it, little boy? 

Guido: This! (Jumps forward with Arrow of Passion) 

Carlos: Insufficient power. (Catches Guido's hands with one hand and Guido's throat with the 

other) How does it feel? How does it feel to sense your own impending death? To feel your 

blood vessels pump furiously for antoher futile attack? To feel your eyeballs just about to reach 

their maximum structural integrity? To feel them want to burst under the pressure I'm applying? 

(smiles evilly) Why don't you tell me, pizza boy? (Guido kicks him . .below the belt) [studio 

audience cheers] *in a high pitched voice* 

Ooooh. . ooh. . .ooh . (collapses and releases Guido) 

Guido: Like that, but about ten times better. (Speedy lands next to Carlos's body) You okay, 

Speedy? 

Speedy: *tired and sarcastically* Fine. I've gotten used to getting blasted by villains and 

dropped back to the ground from heights over ten stories. 

Guido: Glad to hear it. 

Niece: And so, the Pizza Cats triumph again over-- 

Carlos: Hold yourself! I'm not defeated yet! OKay, I was trying to be nice and I was gonna 

give you a chance, but now, I'm just gonna kill you very slowly. Starting off with this move. 

(Places both his hands in front of him and charges up energy) *evil chuckle* Carlos Burn! 

(Releases a wave of energy which slams into all three Pizza Cats knocking them over and setting 

their armor on fire) 

Polly: I'm on fire! Help me! 

Guido: I knew I was hot stuff, but this is ridiculous! [Studio Audience laughs] 

Niece: *unenthused* Uh-oh. The Pizza Cats are in a jam. [Studio Audience laughs] 

Narrator: You have to be perky! Wake up the audience!! 

Niece: *mock perky* You like this? [Studio Audience laughs] 

Narrator: Yes! 

Speedy: (batting down flames) Better call Francine. (Jingles the Cellular Cat Bell) 

(bell rings) 

Francine: (still fighting with Lucille) Wait a minute! That's Guido, Polly, and Speedy! They need 

help! 

Lucille: (still fighting) What's your point? 

Francine: We had better go and help them. (They stop fighting) 

Lucille: Sure, stop the fight right when I'm winning. 

Francine: Whatever. Hop in your oven and lets go. (They hop into the ovens and begin the 

countdown) 

Both: 3. . 2. .1 . .make cannon go now! 

Neice: Now the fierce female fighters fling themselves into the fray! Ugh, that line sucked. 

Carlos: Don't worry. Pizza Cats. I'll only make the rest of the killing hurt three times as bad. 

*laughs evilly* 

Lucille: Hey, I don't think so. 

Carlos: What? 

Francine: We are here to put an end to your evil scheme, that's because we're the Silver Team. 

Carlos: Oh terriffic, they breed. Now, they can die. Carlos Burn! (The wave shoots towards 

Francine and Lucille, who barely dodge in time) 

Francine: Lucille, hit the other cats with a water bomb, while I deal with this jerk. (Lunges at 

Carlos) 

Carlos: Why do all you fine women wanna fight me? You could be going out with me, instead. 

Francine: Shut up. (She cups her hands behind and begins to charge a Lyric Laser) 

Carlos: I'll not be spoken to in such a manner. You will fall in line, wench! 

Francine: Lyric Laser! (The beam shoots forwards and hits Carlos, full brunt, in the chest) 

Carlos: Impressive! One of you mangy, flea-ridden, furballs can actually fight! It'll be a shame to 

destroy you . . but I am! HA! Carlos Bomb! (A sphere of energy flies from Carlos' hand and 

explodes behind Francine, who is thrown forward by the force of the blast) The batter's hanging 

in there, but she's looking tired. (He winds up to fire another bomb) 

Speedy: That's were I come in! Fastball! (Speedy's energy orb slams into Carlos' back, 

knocking him to the ground) 

Lucille: Save some for me! (She locks and loads her bazooka) One satueed jerk, coming up! (A 

volley of mini-missles explodes from Lucille's cannon and hair. All the missiles home in on Carlos) 

Carlos: Ouchies! (The missiles explode, leaving behind a cloud of pink smoke which forms into a 

flower) 

Lucille: What a rush! 

Carlos: (hovering above them) Oh, that was bogus. Our business is far from being concluded, 

Pizza Cats, and Pizza Deer. (Teleports away) 

Speedy: Everyone, on mark for the pose. 

Everyone: Ta-da! 

Narrator: But across town, in a dank, greasy looking hellhole. 

Big Cheese: You LOST!! I can't believe you lost!! 

Carlos: Calm yourself. I have other ideas on how to get those Pizza Cats in their graves. It'll just 

take some time and some undercover work. Don't worry about it. 

Cheese: *crazily* I AM CALM!! *normally* At least this doesn't affect my plans. Activate the 

De-sanitizer, Jerry. 

Jerry: Okay. (Hits switch and robot appears) You know what to do. (The robot walks forward 

and falls apart.) Hmm, guess I should have read the manual better. 

Big Cheese: You're so STUPID!! (Turns red and explodes) 

Narrator: And back on a bridge just outside of town. . 

Francine: See, my aim was perfect! 

Speedy: When its your body you're shooting through the air. 

Francine: Shut up! (Punches Speedy off the bridge) 

Polly: I told you not to insult her bad aim! (covers her mouth with her hands) Oops! 

Francine: Stupid. (Slaps Polly off the bridge) 

Guido: Why have you been punching and hitting everybody today, Francy? It's not ladylike!! 

Francine: Because I can! And who's not a lady?!?! (Cyclone kicks Guido off the bridge) 

Lucille: *nervously* I'll just be going to bed now . . 

Francine: *mad* And you! Come here now! (Lunges at Lucille and they begin fighting) 

Narrator and Niece: And so ends another episode of those kind, caring, ah, 

hell, the crazy costumed kitties known as the Samurai Pizza Cats! 

Niece: But Lucille's not a cat, she's a fawn! 

Narrator: Nobody cares, dear. 


End file.
